Read, Run, Repeat

A tale of fitness, books, food, and life in between

The Ugly Truth

on April 10, 2013

ok, time to be vulnerable…. which is totally scary, but important all at the same time. I’ve been struggling over the last week… and it hasn’t been with eating healthy or exercising or any of those other typical “healthy living” things that I can struggle with from time to time. This week has all been a mental and psychological struggle … I think that may be the worst kind. Although, at the moment, I’m caught in the tornado of the feelings, so of course it feels that way.

I have some very ugly personality traits. That kinda make me sounds like a monster… but what I mean is that I have some characteristics that really seem to be ingrained within in me and can make being happy and living very difficult. At the moment, I’m very aware of my insecurities, jealous tendencies, and negative thought patterns. Both Lindsey and Alex wrote posts today that encompass these things in different ways, and they really struck a chord with me when I read them this morning. Honestly,I’m sick of having the same issues pop up over and over and maybe writing it down on paper will make it more real and will help in purging the negativity from my brain. One can hope, right?

Let’s start with insecurity. It pretty much impacts everything else. I feel insecure about a lot of things: my worth, my relationship, my career, my future. Sounds like fun, right? I know that most people feel this stuff from time to time… but for me, it’s really having an impact on me and my mood lately, which means I need to do something about it. I have always described myself as average: not the prettiest, smartest, most funny, or the fastest. Just kinda middle of the road. Sometimes I struggle with not being “amazing” at something … it makes me feel un-special (yes, I just made that up) and kinda worthless. I am constantly thinking that P deserves better than me – and that usually snowballs into a whole mess of negative thinking and actions. It’s really hard to climb out of that hole, plus it’s not all that attractive and it frustrates P. Who could blame him?

Many of my insecurities surround my relationship at the current time. Without going in to too much detail, it’s been just about 5 years now — and I feel like things should be progressing faster at this point. I’m at the age where I’m “supposed” to be a wife and Mom, and holy crap is my biological clock SCREAMING at me. I also fear sometimes that we’ve slipped into the “comfortable” and “friend” zone – we are best friends and have been together a long time, so I think that’s natural, to a point. But I also think that we need to focus on our “romantic” connection too – but that can be really hard after such a long time and life has been pretty crazy around here lately! I love him way down to my tippy toes, and know that he was the one that was made for me… he loves me.  But I’m so afraid that he’s going to look around and find someone better — but I really, really, really need to do a better job of trusting him and how he feels about me. The insecurity that I feel about our relationship is slowly poisioning it.  This week I made P one of my goals for BBB – I am trying hard to let him know how much I love him this week, so that’s one step I’ve made.

Lindsey’s post centered a lot around “Capturing the though” – recognizing it, grabbing onto it, and then letting it go. I think that this is really important for all negative thoughts! In psychologypsychtherapy (because it always comes back to that with me, doesn’t it?), that would be considered “thought stopping” and “cognitive re-framing” — basically it’s recognizing the negative thought, realizing/understanding/guessing at the reason for it, and then re-framing the idea in a more positive manner. Sounds smart, right? I can honestly say that it’s a lot easier said then done… that stuff takes a lot of work, and it sure is easy to just continue being a negative nelly .. but it’s not the best decision for me. So, I’m working hard to try to “thought stop” and be more aware of them… time will tell, right? I have to make some sort of change, anyway. I’m not proud of these ugly characteristics of mine, but the trust is, they exist.

Questions of the Day: Do you ever feel inecure? What makes you feel better? How do you romantically connect with your significant other?

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4 responses to “The Ugly Truth

  1. I really appreciate you pointing out Lindsey’s post, a heavy one but one I needed to read too. I think insecurities are the toughest battles. I have way too many to count. I always have that mindset that I am the only one with them, that I am the only one that ever struggles to see themselves for who they are. That mindset though is what perpetuates it and I am starting to finally realize that. Don’t give yourself a time table. Everyone has their own experience, their own way of living. And last resort, change it. If you are not getting what you want out of this or you want to talk do something about it. You have that power!!

    • Brittany says:

      I agree that insecurities are a very tough battle; there is an awful lot of history and challenges that back those thoughts up! They rarely just stem from nowhere- even if the root is somewhat irrational! It is nice to see that I’m not alone out here though. I’m working hard to change these — but it’s hard and exhausting! You are right about the time table though … I will always be a work in progress! *~*Brittany*~*

  2. Dyanna says:

    Brittany- I just wanted to let you know I love reading your posts! I found you through HealthysElf and you are one of my favorite blogs to read. Definitely nice hear the honesty. I have a lot of the same insecurity issues and have been really working on improving that. It’s funny because on the outside I come off as confident when i’m usually an emotional mess 🙂 a good spin class or weights session really boosts some of my confidence. or I just lose myself in a good book.

    Little getaways or surprising him with something outside our norm – concert tickets, a fancier dinner(get really dolled up lol) that tends to work for us.

    • Brittany says:

      Hi Dyanna! I’m so glad that you enjoy my blog– you made my day!! It’s nice to know that I am it alone and that others are a mess on the inside too!! I love your ideas-thanks! Definitely need to think of something new and different 🙂

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